Realization

I remember the day it happened. I panicked when I found out, I didn’t know who to trust or if I even trusted myself. What if I was insane? What if it was just a dream? Except it wasn’t.

On my 43rd birthday, June 13th, everything I ever knew, dreamed, hoped for, was a lie. Everything was a lie. It started with small “glitches in the matrix”. First my lighter disappeared, I had it in my hand and placed it on the kitchen counter. I went back into my room, forgetting my cigarettes, and when I came back, the lighter was gone. I looked everywhere, under the fruit bowl, in the drawers, in the living room under the couch, the coffee table, hell even in the damn cactus pot on the window-sill. I thought ‘Shit, I must’ve dropped it on the kitchen floor’. I swear I remembered holding it and putting it down on the counter. I went back in the kitchen and the little bic lighter was sitting on the counter right where I left it.

Now you might think ‘Jeez, this guy must be either blind or retarded. How is this relevant to the story?’, well listen. The same exact thing happened five more times. Not with the lighter, oh no. The keys to my apartment and car disappeared and reappeared. I turned around a few times, looking around the kitchen, I turned back to the count and they were right there. Then, my fuckin cactus? Yeah, my cactus just disappeared outta nowhere. Now, how is this relevant, you may ask. Well... I’m not entirely sure how to explain. Firstly, I live alone. Secondly, no such thing as ghosts or demons or whatever the fuck. Thirdly, I have gone to a therapist and I swear I’m completely sane.

Anyways, how does stuff disappearing relate to anything important? Well, it's called the Domino Effect. And for some reason, on my birthday of all times and me of all people, the fuckin glitch decided the appear. Now, as my day continued, I went and grabbed a quick coffee at Starbucks with a buddy of mine (cliche I know). We talked about our boring, 9-5 office jobs, and our dying hopes of the future. It felt almost, I dunno, programmed. Our conversation sounded the exact same as every conversation we’ve had at 7am walking to our workplaces. For the past 20 years, as soon as I graduated college, the same man, Jake, a short, round dude with a massive bald spot right in the middle of his head and a slight waddle to his walk, has been working with me in the same mundane environment. The same dark grey skyscraper, towering over us like we’re ants. I realized just how small and insignificant I was compared to that overwhelmingly dark place. I always felt as though my mood and appearance diminished to the point where I was just a monotonous shell of a man the moment I saw the building. Everything grew more and more dull the closer I got to it.

Yet, I noticed that Jake never changed throughout the years. And I felt different today. I mentioned the disappearing objects and he looked confused and just ignored me. Every time I tried bringing it up that day, he would shiver and then resume another bland conversation. It was weird and I didn’t understand why today of all days I was realizing that he always did this. Every time I would go off topic, he would shiver and continue the other conversation. Every. Fucking. Time.

I noticed everyone did that. The people working at customer service never complained if they were being mistreated. They wouldn’t even break their smile. The food service workers did the exact same. Everyone looks the exact same. And I can’t understand why I was only noticing this now​ of all times. Why me? What the fuck have I done to deserve this? I wish I hadn’t noticed. I wish I hadn’t started questioning. I went on Reddit, Twitter, news sites, and blogs. I researched everything about why everything was the same repeated day. Why was everyone so docile? They lacked...life.

And could you believe it? This happened in one day. My realization that everything and everyone was the same. No one wanted to change. So, I decided to try something. An experiment, to really test if my hypothesis was right. I fuckin’ regret that now.

The first thing I did the next day was change my routine. Rather than waking up at exactly 6:30 am, I woke up at 8. I didn’t set an alarm, I let myself relax and sleep in. Then, I got up and left the house in my pyjamas and slippers. I looked ridiculous, but I needed to prove to myself that everything was real and that maybe there were just a few screws missing.

I left the house in my pjs and went to a small, local coffee shop and bought a black coffee and a bagel. Usually I’d get a grande latte with medium sugar and cinnamon at Starbucks. But I needed change. I left the coffee shop and sat down at a bench near my office building. I sat there for 30 minutes, enjoying my coffee. By then, I was 2 hours late for work. I received calls and texts from my colleagues and boss. I didn’t answer any. I looked up at the sky and noticed, for the first time in 10 years, clouds were forming, and they were forming fast. One. Two. One. Two. Water droplets trickled down and it slowly started to drizzle. I stayed in my seat at the bench. Within a few seconds, it was pouring rain. Then hail. And then thunder and lightning struck. It stung my skin when the hail hit me, but I didn’t move. I was alone in the street, getting soaked and at high risk of catching a cold or getting struck by lighting. I didn’t move.

People passed me, running for cover. Some stared, others yelled. But they never did anything other than remain passive and refuse to move me. Once I was alone, the storm stopped abruptly. The sunlight seeped through the clouds and a light blue sky returned. I was still alone. It was quiet. The quietest this city has ever been. And then I felt dread. An overwhelming feeling of

horror, anxiety, and pure terror poured out of my heart, streaming through my veins. It hurt me. I have never felt that before. The change was exciting but I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. And there they were. Three men in black. Yes, if you think of the movie, the government agents sent to deal with aliens. But this is the real deal. I felt my eyes prickle with tears. I felt my chest tighten, my heartbeat sped up, my hands grew clammy and my stomach churned. What are they here for?

They walked slowly towards me. I wanted to run but I couldn’t even lift a finger. I wanted to scream but my mouth was sealed shut. What have I done wrong? I just wanted an explanation, a change. I didn’t want to live my life in an endless cycle of mundane, conversations about the weather and Jake’s marriage issues. I wanted it to stop and I wanted to know why I was the only one experiencing it now. I wanted answers.

But, I had stepped out of line.

The men in black grabbed me on each arm and dragged me into a black van. I screamed and kicked and begged. I swore I had done nothing wrong. They didn’t say anything. They handcuffed and blindfolded me. I felt the van move and then I felt a searing pain in my right temple. I was knocked out cold.

And that was the last I remember of my old life. I woke up in a white room with doctors surrounding me, checking monitors next to me. They were all women. I tried to speak but they didn’t let me. I don’t know how long they kept me there for, but they let me out eventually. They put me to sleep every time they moved me into a new area. It was all white. All the same. Fuck, everything is the same. Until this morning.

A man that looked exactly like Jake came into my small cell (a white room with nothing other than a single bed, a toilet, a sink and a desk). I wanted to cry. I saw Jake, my old friend. I ran to him and hugged him. But he didn’t hug me back.

“Holy shit. Jake, I can’t believe you’re here. They- they took me and..and I was in the hospital room with - with all these ladies. And they wouldn’t let me talk or do any shit and then they put me in here-” I rambled, I barely let myself breath. The first human interaction where I was allowed to speak. But he held his hand up, signalling me to be quiet. I obeyed.

“Hello Mr. Louise.”, he spoke so formally, it made me uneasy, “It has come to our attention that you decided to change your behavior.”

“What the fuck are you talking about. For fuck’s sake, Jake, its me! I didn’t do anything wrong-”

“You changed your behavior which is something we did not anticipate. This goes against the code and, therefore, you must be terminated.” Jake continued. As he said this, the three men in black entered the room and grabbed me. I struggled against them. They held on. It was almost like being held by metal chains. I couldn’t move. I gave up after a few seconds, it was no use fighting them. I looked up at Jake and asked, “What do you mean by terminate?”

He didn’t answer. He only nodded his head and the men in black dragged me out of my cell. They dragged me through the endless white corridors. There wasn’t a single person in sight. I began screaming, thrashing about, begging for mercy. They didn’t blink. Not once.

I was brought into a room with a single chair in the center. I was thrown into the chair and strapped down. “Please! I haven’t done anything wrong! What the fuck is wrong with you!”

They left the room without hesitation or even a glance my way. I looked around desperately for a way out. This can’t be the end. No, this can’t be.

And then I blacked out. I don’t know exactly what happened. I only remember my ears being assaulted by a high pitched noise. It was truly torture and I barely lasted 5 seconds. I felt dizzy, like I was spinning rapidly. And then nothing. I was floating in an endless abyss of nothing. I felt everything drain from me. My energy, my thoughts, my emotions. I no longer felt confused or frightened or in pain. Nothing.

And then I woke up. In my bed. And I thought to myself, it was just a dream. But I looked in the mirror and noticed that I looked almost dead. I felt nothing.

As I write this journal, I feel everything falling away. My old memories. My dreams of the future. My current life. I am losing my memory and this journal is all I have. This is the only evidence that the endless, boring cycle we call life, is truly unreal. I must say goodbye now.

Whoever finds this journal, do not make the same mistakes I made. Do not let them see that you are aware. Tell as many trusted people as you can. Please, save us.